Friday, February 17, 2012

All of Us

And just when you thought you had it all figured out, you are reminded that life is full of surprises. Like for instance 10 little toes that will need cute little booties to keep them warm.

We told the kids on Valentine's Day when Cupid left an extra gift bag at our table.

Was I nervous at first? Absolutely.
Do I have the most amazing family and support system a girl could ever want? You bet.
And I have no doubt that this little one will be welcomed into our lives with open arms.

I sound pretty calm don't I?

If we're going to be honest, I may as well admit that it took me a few moments (days) to reach a place of peace because initially I was sort of in a panic. A panic that sounded like this:

"Shit. Are you kidding me? Wait, what? No. I mean. Oh crap. How will I tell my husband? Or what about the older kids? They are going to kill me, yep I said the K word, kill. But we gave all our baby stuff away. ALL of it. How far along am I anyways? What if it's twins again? TWINS AGAIN?!? We'd have to give one of them up for adoption. How old will the twins be when this baby starts school? Will they even be in high school together? Where are we going to sleep? Oh, I really like sleeping. We need a new car seat. Wait, we need a new car. No, no, make that a new house and 2 new cars. Crap, I really need a new camera so that I can take a billion pictures of my family's new stuff. How will I have enough time? Will I still be able to keep up with my teenagers? They are entering such a vulnerable and important time in life. Will they still know I love them more than anything? Will they confide in me? Maija and Sidhe will be starting college when this one is starting kindergarten. This baby could be an auntie before she starts middle school. Oh no, I'm going to be a GRANDMA. Can I still go to yoga? Wait, I was going to actually run a marathon this summer, like for real this time. Good thing I gave away all my maternity clothes AND fat pants. I'm not going to get fat this time. I'm not. I'm not. I totally am. I can still run right? I feel sick. How will the twins react to having another baby, they were so young when Saoirse was born they probably don't even remember it, heck I barely remember it. Do I deserve this? Do I deserve to be happy about this? Will this just be a reminder of the past? Is it a boy? He'll be so lonely. Is it a girl? She'll be lonely too. Everyone is so much older than this baby. It'll sort of be like having an only child. That's weird. I feel sick. Wait, where are we going to fit all these kids?! What if it's triplets? Or fraternal twins and then one twin split off into identical twins? Is that still triplets? This would be a great learning opportunity for the older kids, we could talk yet again about safe sex and birth control, oh they are going to cry. I'm going to be so old when this baby graduates from high school. If it's a girl she totally won't want to borrow my clothes. Wait, I drank a bottle of wine last weekend, oh no I had x-rays taken! I feel sick. Maybe we don't even have to tell the older kids, it could be like those shows you see on TLC about women who didn't even know they were pregnant until they delivered. I'm sure the older kids wouldn't even notice. I wonder if I should break up with my OB and pick a midwife? Or better yet a home birth? I always wanted to have an underwater delivery. They won't let you do that in the hospital. They won't let you do that with twins. WHAT IF IT'S TWINS? I feel sick......."

I'm relieved to report that there is only one little bean this time and she or he will be joining us in September. Sure there are tons of challenges to having a large family, but there are also plenty of joys and we're strong enough to figure it all out. Will this baby be taken care of? Certainly. Will this baby be loved? Unconditionally. More than you can imagine. Even during those first few days (weeks) of all my uncertainty and fear I still found myself waking up in the middle of the night with a smile on my face and I knew we were going to be just fine because we do deserve to be happy; all of us.

Although Saoirse might need a little extra persuading once the baby arrives.


Sara said...

Oh Sam, how you pulled at my heartstrings. I'm laughing and crying with joy and surprise and hope for you and your whole family as I read this. I LOVE the way you wrote all those feelings, one big stream of consciousness. What a journey you have.

Stasia said...

Congratulations, Beautiful!

Special K said...

Holy Smokes!!!! How exciting! WE have an 8 year old, 6 year old and a baby and I was very nervous about how ir all would work. She's almost 3 months now and we're still blissful about how wonderful it has all been! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

Sarah Backus said...

may the almighty lord have mercy on your souls...

j/k keep em coming, saoirse is getting too big anyways! I love these kids!

Damn good kids.

Special K said...

Had to come re-read again for a smile. And still laughing about "what if it's twins." My sister's first baby was set of twins and even without other children it was soooo crazy that I also felt sick about the idea of having twins for our third! Twins is a whole new ballgame! Hope you are feeling well. And I'm glad for you that it's not twins!