So yesterday I lost Maija.
I know, I know that sounds strange because well, you know she is 14. Old enough to not get lost, but I lost her just the same. And for about 52 minutes I had no idea where she was or if she was safe.
So I did what I do and lost my shit. All of it. I lost it everywhere, on the phone, in a locker room, in a Starbucks parking lot, in front of a high school on the wet dirty pavement. I lost it all over the place. My mind racing in a panic, allowed to dip down into dark trenches. What's worse is that I lost it in front of everyone and anyone who happened to be nearby. Baristas, security guards, the sheriff's department, the emergency dispatch, well meaning soccer coaches, bus drivers, eye brow raising high schoolers. MY kids, the little ones. I'm pretty sure I scarred them a little bit, poor babies.
I'm not good in a crisis. Something I'm going to work on, but really I hope I don't have to practice any time soon, because it was awful and I need a moment to recover.
In hindsight of course the whole thing sounds a little crazy. I can admit it. And for the first oh maybe 22 minutes? I was calm, collected, irritated even that she wasn't where she was supposed to be, that she wasn't answering her phone, that I had a car packed full of kids who were whiny and impatient and eager to get home. Irritability soon gave way however to a bit of uneasiness as it became clear that she wasn't at our meeting spot and that I had no idea where she was.
And then of course the uneasiness quickly gave way to the losing of the shit, which I pretty much already covered.
Now luckily this whole thing ended up just being a huge (and rather funny~although I'm not ready for jokes quite yet) misunderstanding, and I'm sure someday we'll laugh about it, giggle about how Maija limped right past the meeting place Starbucks and walked half a mile down the road to a different Starbucks where she sat and waited for someone to pick her up for a really really really long time (without checking her phone of course). And WHY wouldn't there be another Starbucks in pretty much the same exact location? Jerks.
But really I just wanted to touch upon it quickly because the 30 minutes I spent thinking that something bad had happened were excruciating and such a reminder of every single thing that I spend my life taking for granted. Such a reminder that I need to take the time to tell these kids, this family, just how much they mean to me and how my heart beats for them.
I know there are no guarantees, I know life can change in a moment, but I am so grateful that she is found and she is safe. I love her so much you guys and today my heart is beating for her.